when god seems distant.

yesterday was just one of those days. 

one of those days when i was. well. kinda grumpy.

my house was a mess. my babe was extra needy. 

i was tired. & i just felt kinda blah. 

it was one of those days when i just wanted to do

whatever i wanted to do at that moment.

a selfish kinda day. 

its interesting.

lately i have felt distant from god.

if i am being honest . . . my prayer life has been seriously lacking.

my quiet time has been non-existent. & i just have not felt that burning desire.

i have felt a distance between god & me. i have not liked it. 

yet even still. even after realizing this. i hardly did a thing to change it. 

i have been too busy. too many other priorities. 

{yikes!}

so at the start of my day yesterday i opened my daily devotional.

i read in bold print: when god seems distant.

the title burned into my heart. sending a tinge of guilt.

i smirked to myself. knowing that was god tapping me on the shoulder. 

thought to myself . . .

i know its not you God. its totally me. 

i know you are waiting patiently for me. 

i am the one who has created this distance. 

a distance made up of busyness. 

{i have heard that if the enemy can't make you really bad . . . he will make you really busy}

the whine of a babe broke my train of thought.

commissioning me to my next little task at hand.

needless to say . . . my daily devotion was never read. 

prayer time never happened. 

as the clock ticked on my day got harder.

when 3 o'clock rolled around. patrick seemed exhausted.

yahoo! i am going to get an afternoon nap. 

time for myself to do whatever i want to do. 

God had a different plan for me. 

i fed the babe his bottle. he fell asleep in my arms. 

i laid him in his crib & then all of a sudden . . .

eyes wide open.  

i tip toe out thinking he will fall back asleep. 

oh no. not so much. 

screams. sobs. standing in the crib. arms flailing over the side rails. 

the whole nine yards. for a long fifteen minutes. 

so i swoop back in to rescue & soothe.

after a few noisy rounds of sleep to crib to my arms again.

 he eventually really falls asleep on my chest.

i don't dare move a muscle. much less lay him back down.

but i. want. my. nap. time!

my thoughts start racing.

i have so much to do.

i have dinner to make. i have laundry to fold. i have a shower to take.

i have blog posts to write. i have images to be pinned. i have books to be made.  

i have instagram to look at. i have emails to respond to. i have magazines to read.

i have cookies to baked. i have hidden chocolate to find.

{thanks mom for hiding my chocolate for me . . . but i could really use it now}

there. is. so. much. i. want. to. do! 

and then there it was. 

the voice of god.

not an audible voice of course.

but a heavy message weighing on my heart.

child. what about my time?

where do i fit in?

what about our time in communion?

woah.

it was loud & clear. 

God had to use my screaming baby to allow me to hear His voice. 

to physically stop me in my tracks & nearly pin me down in that overstuffed rocking chair. 

to convict my heart. my mind. my soul enough to realize that it was time.

time to be still. 

time to pray.

time to listen.

time to just be. 

and at that moment i knew.

blogs & books & cooking & cleaning 

needed to wait. 

this was His time now. not my own. 

and literally two hours later . . .

my sweet baby quietly woke up on my chest.

comforted by the sound of my beating heart.

and my grateful heart. 

grateful for God's patience. persistence. 

& perfectly good timing. 

i hear you. god. 

i will keep you distant no longer.

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